As I stood with my family, looking out over what can only be described as Heaven on Earth, the thoughts running through my mind were not what anyone would expect. I looked out upon the clear blue water and thought “if I jumped from here, would the cold shock me and drag me to the bottom? Surly it’s deeper than it looks”.
As I stood staring, mesmerized by the power of the ocean crashing against the jagged cliffs, my mind couldn’t allow me to grasp the joy I should be feeling. Instead I wondered how I would feel plummeting into those violent waves from so far above. Would I feel fear or freedom? When my whole body screamed freedom, I stepped away and moved along the trail.
When I found myself standing in arguably one of the most beautiful spots I have ever been, I was fighting the never ending darkness that plagues every minute of my existence.
I took picture after picture of myself smiling in the most beautiful places I have ever been. But this smile is the mask I wear every day, as I battle the voices inside that tell me that death would be better than this. Yes, THIS!
I could feel that I was supposed to feel elated to be in such a splendid position. On a dream vacation many can only wish for. But all I could think about was what a failure I am. As a parent, child, friend. I am drowning in the demands of others. I am being suffocated by needing to meet the needs and demands of everyone around me, when I can’t even meet the demands of my own needs.
So I continue on the journey of pretending to enjoy the things I’m doing. But I know I’m failing to fool most people. The thing with mental illness is people are only understanding until they’re not. And when they grow tired of YOUR struggle they leave.
I wish, every day, that I could just leave. Leave these feelings and struggles behind. Leave what doesn’t give me joy. Because no matter how hard I’m working towards being a better version of myself, my internal struggle never ends.
The Journey to Survive 